Q: What exactly is codependency?

A:
Codependency is a pattern of behavior that shows up in many parts of a person’s life — in relationships, decision-making, emotional regulation, and even self-worth. It’s when someone’s sense of identity and stability depends too heavily on another person.

The word maladaptive often comes up here. It basically means the ways we’ve learned to “adapt” and survive might have helped us once — like in childhood or during stressful times — but they don’t serve us well in healthy adult relationships.

Codependency often passes from one generation to the next. As kids, we soak up everything from our caregivers: their habits, their emotional responses, their coping mechanisms. Over time, we naturally recreate those same patterns because they feel familiar — and our brains confuse “familiar” with “safe,” even when it’s not healthy.

Some common traits of codependency include:

• Low self-esteem

• Disconnection from your own feelings or needs

• Denial and avoidance

• Difficulty communicating or making decisions

• Weak or inconsistent boundaries

• All-or-nothing thinking

• Self-doubt and guilt

• Anxiety, depression, or perfectionism

• Taking care of others at your own expense

• Trying to rescue or fix others

• Feeling responsible for how other people feel or behave

• Fear of being abandoned — and doing anything to avoid it

• Relying on others for validation, purpose, or emotional safety

Codependency was first studied in families dealing with addiction, where one person’s enabling behaviors supported another’s substance use. These days, it’s also seen as a kind of addiction to relationships — where someone uses love, caretaking, or control the way others might use a drug: to numb pain or avoid loneliness.

The catch is, this “fix” never lasts. Real healing can’t come from someone else — it has to come from within. Other people can support our growth, but they can’t complete us, change for us, or make us feel whole. That work is ours alone.

Q: How does codependency start?

A:
Codependency often starts in childhood, especially in families that are dysfunctional — whether that means there was neglect, emotional abuse, substance use, or untreated mental illness in the home.

Children in these environments learn to survive by tuning out their own needs and focusing on others. They might become the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the “responsible one.” But underneath that role, there’s often loneliness, confusion, and a deep sense of “not enough.”

As adults, these same people often repeat the pattern. They become the rescuer, the helper, or the fixer in their relationships — constantly giving to others while quietly losing themselves in the process.

Q: What keeps the cycle going?

A:
There are a few core elements that tend to keep codependency alive:

1. Insecure Attachment
If you didn’t feel seen, heard, or loved unconditionally as a child, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. That means your sense of safety depends on keeping others happy — even at your own expense. It sounds like: “I’m okay as long as you’re okay.”

2. Fear of Abandonment
When you’ve been left emotionally (or physically) before, you might go to extremes to avoid being left again. You may even choose partners who need you — people who are struggling, emotionally unavailable, or dependent — because being needed feels like security. But it’s a false sense of safety, and it often repeats the pain of the past.

3. Low Self-Esteem
If you didn’t get the message growing up that you were worthy just as you are, you may end up chasing that validation in adulthood. You might find yourself seeking approval from others who reinforce the same wounds you started with. Deep down, there’s a tug-of-war between wanting healthy love and being drawn to what feels familiar — even if it hurts.

4. Over-Functioning
Dr. Holly Daniels, a clinical psychologist, describes codependents as “givers” who often end up with “takers.” The codependent’s love language becomes caretaking — doing more and more to prove their worth, often while receiving little in return. Over time, this leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of self.

Q: How do I know if I’m codependent?

A:
Author Ann Smith offers some questions that can help you reflect:

• Do you believe that being deeply loved will make you happy forever?

• Do you find yourself idealizing love stories from movies or songs?

• Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship because you couldn’t stand being alone?

• Do you try to fix or change your partner to make the relationship work?

• When you’re single, do you feel restless or incomplete?

• Do you look to your partner to make you feel lovable or valuable?

If several of these sound familiar, you might be caught in codependent patterns — and that’s okay. Awareness is the first step toward change.

Q: How do you break the cycle?

A:
The first step is simply awareness. You can’t change what you can’t see.

From there, it’s about getting curious — noticing your patterns, beliefs, and emotional triggers. Ask yourself: Where did I learn this? What am I afraid will happen if I stop doing it?

Healing often means going back to the source — the early experiences that taught you to put others first — and learning new, healthier ways to relate. This can be tough to do alone, which is why therapy is so valuable. A good therapist can offer insight, compassion, and tools to help you rebuild your sense of self.

Over time, you’ll start shifting from people-pleasing to self-respect, from rescuing others to taking care of yourself, and from seeking love outside yourself to nurturing it within.

References

• Breit, C. (2018, August 2). Are You in a Codependent Relationship? Here Are the Signs. Time.

• Mental Health America. (2020). Co-Dependency.

• Dodgson, L. (2018, February 13). Experts say codependent relationships are damaging—here are 8 warning signs you’re in one. Business Insider.

• McGinnis, P. B. (2009). Codependency. dr-mcginnis.com

• Smith, A. (2010, December 1). How to Break the Pattern of Love Addiction. Psychology Today.

We all know one. The “parent” of the group. The person who instinctively takes charge when things fall apart. The go-to friend for advice, the steady rock when everyone else feels like they’re crumbling. They always seem to have it together — calm, capable, rarely complaining.

At this point, you probably have someone in mind… or you’re realizing I might be describing you.

If so, you may be what therapists call an over-functioner (or “OF” for short) — someone who not only carries their share of the load, but everyone else’s, too. While each person’s story is unique, here are a few common reasons people fall into over-functioning patterns.

1. Fear

When we’re afraid, our first instinct is often to grab for control. Control gives us a sense of calm — it moves us from panic mode into problem-solving mode. It’s a way of telling ourselves, “If I can just handle everything, nothing bad will happen.”

Control serves a few key purposes:

• It quiets anxiety by giving our brain a task.

• It protects us from feeling the full weight of fear or uncertainty.

• It tricks us into believing we can predict or influence what comes next.

And let’s be honest — most of us like predictability. It feels safe. Uncertainty, on the other hand, can feel like freefall — or as you beautifully put it, the first terrace of Dante’s Inferno.

2. Purpose

We all need a sense of purpose — something that gives our lives direction and meaning. For over-functioners, that purpose often becomes helping others.

The problem is, what starts as caretaking easily turns into over-doing. Over-functioners raise their spouses, finish their coworkers’ projects, and smooth over everyone’s rough edges. Eventually, the line between support and enabling disappears.

While their intentions are good, this constant over-functioning can leave others dependent and strip them of chances to grow. Meanwhile, the OF is left exhausted, resentful, and running on fumes.

3. Identity

Over time, the role of “the responsible one” can consume a person’s entire sense of self. When you spend all your energy managing others’ needs, there’s little left to explore your own.

The result? Your world — and your identity — starts to shrink. You become known for what you do, not who you are.

4. Self-Worth

For many OFs, doing for others feels good — even necessary. It reinforces their sense of worth: “If I’m helpful, I matter.”

Somewhere along the way, they learned that worth must be earned — through achievement, service, or perfection. Maybe those messages came from family expectations, or maybe they were absorbed from the culture around them.

And while it’s normal to feel satisfaction from helping others, it becomes a trap when doing becomes the only way to feel enough. The over-functioner gets stuck in a loop: I must do more to be worthy… but I’m exhausted from doing so much.

5. Familiarity

There’s comfort in what we know, even when it’s hard.

Many over-functioners started young — often as “parentified children.” They grew up too fast, taking care of siblings, soothing parents, or managing chaos because no one else could.

That sense of responsibility became part of their identity: If I don’t handle it, everything will fall apart.

This pattern can feel impossible to break — but it’s not. It just takes time, awareness, and support to learn that your worth doesn’t depend on what you do for others.

6. Avoidance

Sometimes “being busy” is just another form of emotional avoidance. If you’re constantly moving, fixing, helping, and managing, there’s no time left to feel.

For over-functioners, busyness keeps uncomfortable thoughts and emotions at bay. But the quiet moments — like when your head hits the pillow — are when those unprocessed feelings come rushing back.

The Bottom Line

People over-function for all kinds of reasons — fear, habit, love, even survival. If one of these patterns feels familiar, let it spark some gentle curiosity about why you do what you do. Awareness is the first step toward change.

And if you love someone who’s an over-functioner, consider how you might be under-functioning in response. Relationships thrive when both people can show up fully — not just one person carrying the emotional load.

Through shared understanding, compassion, and honest conversation, over-functioners and under-functioners can begin to find balance — and in doing so, create healthier, more connected relationships for everyone involved.

• It is not my job to fix others — I can only change and improve myself.

• It is not my job to take responsibility for someone else’s actions — I am accountable only for my own choices and behaviors.

• It is not my job to absorb other people’s emotions or moods — I do not have to live in constant reaction to those around me.

• It is not my job to say “yes” to everything — it’s okay, and healthy, for me to say “no.”

• It is not my job to earn anyone’s approval — it’s okay if others disagree, disapprove, or don’t understand my boundaries.

• It is not my job to make others happy, especially at the expense of my own well-being — my happiness is my responsibility, and theirs is theirs.

• I am enough. My worth is not defined by how much I do, give, or please others.

Boundaries are personal limits we set to protect our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
They define what we’re comfortable with — and what we’re not. In other words, they help us decide what we will and won’t tolerate from others.

Healthy boundaries are vital to any relationship — including the one we have with ourselves.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where someone constantly crossed lines — blowing up your phone, demanding your time, pushing for personal information — you know exactly how draining that can be.

Without boundaries, we lose our sense of self. We become enmeshed with others, and in worst-case scenarios, that lack of separation can pull us into toxic or even abusive relationships.

The Different Types of Boundaries

Below are several kinds of boundaries that help protect our overall well-being.
As you read through them, consider these questions:

Which ones stand out to you?
Which ones could use strengthening?
Which ones have been missing from your life?

Personal Boundaries
These preserve your sense of self — your “personhood.” They include your preferences, health needs, self-care habits, and the way you express yourself through appearance or lifestyle.

Emotional Boundaries
These protect your emotional space and prevent you from absorbing others’ feelings or moods. They safeguard against emotional flooding, manipulation, gaslighting, and invalidation. Healthy emotional boundaries allow you to be compassionate without being consumed.

Mental / Spiritual Boundaries
These preserve your right to your own thoughts, beliefs, and values. They help you maintain your individuality even when others disagree with your opinions, morals, or spiritual practices.

Physical Boundaries
These relate to your personal space and comfort with touch — from casual closeness to affection and sexual contact.

Relationship Boundaries
These are established between two or more people to clarify expectations around communication, accountability, treatment, and respect.

Time Boundaries
These protect how you spend your time — both in how you plan it and how others affect it (e.g., tardiness, overcommitment, or constant interruptions).

Conversational Boundaries
These define which topics are comfortable or off-limits — such as politics, religion, or personal details you’re not ready to share.

Content Boundaries
These involve mindful consumption — choosing the media, conversations, and environments you expose yourself to, knowing that what you take in affects your thoughts, emotions, and energy.

Where Do We Learn About Boundaries?

Here’s the surprising part: many of us didn’t.
The way we understand (or struggle with) boundaries often comes from what we observed growing up.

Take a moment to reflect on your early environment:

1. Did your caregivers model healthy boundaries consistently?

2. Did they encourage your independence, privacy, and self-expression?

3. Did they empower you to hold your own opinions and values?

4. Did they show you that you could say “no” — without explanation or guilt?

5. Did they teach you that your body and time belong to you?

6. Or, conversely, did they have rigid or punitive boundaries that felt like rejection or abandonment?

Think about the messages you absorbed.
Did you grow up believing that boundaries were good — a form of self-respect — or bad, something that created distance and conflict?

These early lessons shape how we set (or avoid setting) boundaries later in life.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

Creating and maintaining boundaries can be uncomfortable — especially if you’ve never done it before.

It requires self-awareness, honesty, and courage. It often brings up guilt or fear of conflict, especially if you’re used to prioritizing others over yourself. And when people push back or reject your boundaries, it can be tempting to back down just to keep the peace.

But before you do, ask yourself:

What are they gaining by me not setting this boundary?
And what might I be losing if I let it slide — my autonomy, my peace, my safety, my respect?

If someone reacts poorly to your boundary, that’s a red flag — not a reason to abandon your needs. Boundaries don’t destroy relationships; they reveal the health of them.

The Practice of Healthy Boundaries

Boundary-setting isn’t a one-time event — it’s a daily practice. It takes awareness, compassion, and, yes, trial and error.

You’ll stumble, you’ll overcorrect, you’ll adjust — and that’s all part of the process.
What matters is remembering:

• Boundaries are the foundation of every healthy relationship.

• You are worthy and deserving of boundaries.

• And it is never too late to start setting them.

The human mind is a wondrous — and tricky — thing. It can be our greatest sanctuary or our own personal hell… or somewhere in between (limbo, anyone?).

Our inner world is shaped by many factors: our core beliefs (those deep-seated ideas about ourselves, others, and the world), automatic thoughts (the ones that pop up without invitation), past experiences, judgments, assumptions, morals, values, needs, and desires. All of these combine to color how we interpret the world around us.

But here’s the catch: our perception of reality isn’t always accurate.

We all view life through mental filters, often called cognitive distortions — thought patterns that twist how we see ourselves and our experiences. Think of them like a funhouse mirror: they reflect something real, but the image is distorted. Through these filters, we don’t see situations as they truly are; we see them through a skewed lens.

How Filters Shape Our Reality

These filters decide what information we notice, what we ignore, and what meaning we attach to things. Filtering is necessary — our brains can’t process everything at once — but it becomes a problem when those filters are inaccurate (based on assumptions or emotions rather than facts) or outdated (rooted in old experiences that no longer apply).

The goal isn’t to shut down our thoughts — it’s to become aware of them.
When we notice distorted thinking, we shift from autopilot to awareness. That space lets us separate who we are from what our mind is saying. With practice, we can take our thoughts less personally and treat them as hypotheses, not truths.

Examining our thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment opens up new possibilities. Life rarely needs to be “all or nothing” or “doom and gloom.” There are shades of gray — and freedom lies in seeing them.

Common Cognitive Distortions (a.k.a. Mental Funhouse Mirrors)

Below are some of the most common thought distortions.
As you read, notice which ones sound familiar. Awareness is step one in clearing away the smoke and mirrors — and not letting your mind run the show.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Seeing things in extremes — black or white, success or failure, all good or all bad. Words like always, never, everything, or nothing often show up here.
Example: “You never listen to me!”

Overgeneralization

Assuming that one bad experience guarantees a future pattern.
Example: “That date went terribly. I’ll never have a good one.”

Catastrophizing

Expecting the absolute worst-case scenario — and reacting as if it’s already happening.
Example: “They’re making budget cuts… I’m definitely going to get fired.”

Mental Filter

Focusing only on the negative parts of a situation while ignoring the positive.
Example: Thinking only about the 30 minutes you spent stuck in traffic, not the four hours you spent laughing with friends.

Discounting the Positive

Downplaying your accomplishments or strengths.
Example: “I only got that job because I was lucky.”

Jumping to Conclusions

Making assumptions based on emotions or judgments rather than facts.
Example: “I’m taking too long on this — it’s going to be a total failure.”

Mind Reading

Assuming you know what others are thinking about you without evidence.
Example: “They must think I sounded so stupid just now.”

Fortune-Telling

Predicting a negative outcome before it happens — without any proof.
Example: “I can just tell things won’t change.”

Magnification / Minimization

Exaggerating your mistakes or minimizing your achievements.
Example (Magnification): “I made a typo — I ruined the whole report!”
Example (Minimization): “Sure, I got the promotion… but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Emotional Reasoning

Believing that because you feel something, it must be true.
Example: “I feel like a terrible person, so I must be one.”

‘Should’ Statements

Placing unrealistic expectations on yourself or others, often leading to guilt or shame.
Example: “I should be farther along in life by now.”

Labeling

Defining yourself by your mistakes instead of seeing them as isolated events.
Example: “I made a mistake” turns into “I am a mistake.”

Personalization

Taking responsibility for things that have nothing to do with you.
Example: Assuming someone’s bad mood is your fault when they’re simply having a rough day.

Putting It All Together

If you struggle with depression, anxiety, or both, take a closer look at which distortions fuel those feelings.
Depression and anxiety often work like a loop — thoughts, emotions, sensations, and behaviors feeding into one another.

How do your thoughts influence your emotions and actions?
Which distortions keep that cycle turning?

Try drawing out your loop on paper — sometimes visualizing it helps you see the patterns more clearly. Remember, we can’t change what we’re unaware of. When in doubt, draw it out.

For many of us, learning to accept and love our bodies is a gradual process — one that unfolds over time. From an early age, we’re surrounded by messages about what our bodies “should” look like. We hear adults criticize their weight, talk about diets, and wish they looked different. As kids, we absorb it all. Later, the media reinforces those same beliefs with endless images of “ideal” bodies that rarely reflect reality.

Eventually, we grow tired of letting others define our worth. That’s often when something shifts — when we begin to understand that beauty has never been about perfection, size, or hair texture. True beauty is about who we are and how we make others feel.

If you’re on a journey toward body acceptance, here are a few steps that might help you along the way:

1. Practice body gratitude regularly.

When was the last time you paused to truly appreciate your body — not for how it looks, but for all it does? We get so caught up in our to-do lists that we forget our bodies are the very reason we can move, work, love, and live.

Try taking a few minutes each day to thank your body for carrying you through life. You might even explore a Body Gratitude Meditation to deepen that awareness. Notice how you feel before and after — not just about your body, but about yourself.

(Click here to access the Body Gratitude Meditation.)

2. Make a list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your body.

Ask yourself: What makes me, me?
What qualities do others appreciate in you?

Are you thoughtful, caring, funny, intuitive, or creative? Do you give great advice, tell hilarious stories, or remember the little details that make people feel seen?

Now think of someone you find difficult or draining. Would you want to be stuck in an elevator with them for 13 hours — even if they were “good-looking”? Probably not. Proof that looks aren’t everything.

3. Check in with how you feel — not just how you look.

Body confidence often reflects how we feel in our bodies. When we move our bodies, eat nourishing foods, rest well, and practice self-care, we tend to feel lighter, stronger, and more grounded — and that naturally changes how we see ourselves.

Think about it like having a crush: when we’re infatuated, everything feels exciting, bright, and full of possibility. What if we could create a version of that energy for ourselves — by investing in things that make us feel alive, connected, and content?

Instead of fixating on “flaws,” focus on what brings joy: movement, art, meaningful relationships, laughter, or hobbies that make you lose track of time.

4. Remember: You are more than the sum of your body parts.

As Tara Brach beautifully puts it, you are not just the waves you fixate on — you are the entire ocean.

You are not your perceived imperfections. You are a complex, whole, vibrant human being with talents, dreams, beliefs, and depth. Your body is simply the vessel that carries that magic.

5. Pay attention to the company you keep.

Emotions are contagious — and so are habits. The people we spend time with often influence how we see ourselves.

Take a look around your social circle: Do your friends uplift and encourage you, or do they criticize and compare? Do they practice self-compassion, or are they caught in cycles of self-criticism?

Surround yourself with people who help you feel grounded, joyful, and authentic. The energy you keep matters more than you might think.

6. Tune into your inner dialogue.

Self-talk shapes our emotional world. It’s the voice we hear most — the one narrating our days, critiquing our reflection, or cheering us on.

Pause and notice how you speak to yourself, especially during moments of stress or when looking in the mirror. Are you kind and compassionate, or critical and harsh?

Changing how you talk to yourself can transform how you feel in your own skin. Imagine what might shift if you spoke to yourself the way you speak to someone you love.

7. Wear clothes that help you feel good now.

This can be tough, especially when you’re not feeling confident in your body. But waiting until you “lose the weight” or “look better” before you allow yourself to feel good is a trap.

When we hide under baggy clothes or deprive ourselves of things that make us feel comfortable or confident, we reinforce the belief that we’re not worthy yet.

Remember: it’s hard to change your body when you’re at war with it. Hate isn’t a sustainable motivator — it just deepens the divide. Instead, choose clothes that make you feel comfortable and empowered today.

Ask yourself: Is the way I’m treating my body aligned with how I want to feel in it?

8. Put media images on trial — not yourself.

As a teenager, I loved The O.C. but also felt crushed that my body didn’t look like the women on screen. I compared myself endlessly, convinced I was less attractive and less worthy. What I didn’t realize was that I was comparing myself to older women with completely different genes, frames, and professional stylists.

Add to that the photoshopped, filtered images plastered across social media and magazines, and it’s no wonder our self-image suffers.

Now, I’ve learned to pause and ask: Is this image real? Is it healthy for me to compare myself to this? The more we question what we see, the less power it has over us.

9. Get out of your head and into your life.

It’s easy to get lost in our thoughts, especially those rooted in fear or self-doubt. But when we engage with the world — walk the dog, play an instrument, meet a friend, explore a hobby — our focus shifts from what we look like to how we live.

Life is happening right now. Don’t miss it by staying stuck in your head.

10. Take care of yourself — really.

Before “self-care” became a buzzword, I remember a friend asking how I practiced it. After a long pause, I said, “I shower.” (Spoiler: that wasn’t enough.)

Now I know self-care isn’t indulgent — it’s essential. It’s how we remind ourselves that we’re worthy of rest, pleasure, and kindness.

Self-care looks different for everyone, but the result is the same: when we care for ourselves, we strengthen the relationship we have with our bodies and our lives.

Loving your body isn’t about achieving perfection — it’s about building a relationship with yourself that’s rooted in compassion, respect, and gratitude. And like any relationship, it takes time, patience, and care.