Why We Say Things We Don’t Mean: The Truth About Triggered Reactions in Love
When we’re emotionally triggered, we’re simply not ourselves—much like the Snickers commercial reminds us, “you’re not you when you’re hungry.” In these moments, our nervous system enters fight or flight, distorting not just our emotions but our entire perception of reality. Our partner becomes a distorted image too, shaped by past conflicts and unresolved wounds from previous relationships. We stop hearing what they're actually saying and start hearing through the filter of our own fear, hurt, or defensiveness. This is why constructive time-outs are essential—not to silently rehearse rebuttals, but to self-regulate and calm the nervous system. The goal is to remind ourselves that the conflict is just a moment, a blip on the map—not a representation of the entire relationship or either partner’s full character. You're not ready to reconnect until you can offer a hug and genuinely mean it—until love, not ego or fear, is in the driver’s seat again. Co-regulation—soothing each other after soothing ourselves—is part of healing, and it starts with remembering the love that brought you together in the first place.
Journal Prompts for Processing Emotional Triggers
✅ Identifying the Trigger
What happened right before I felt triggered? Describe the situation in detail.
Who was involved, and what did they say or do?
Are there specific words, tones, or behaviors that stood out to me?
✅ Naming the Emotion
What exact feelings came up for me in that moment (e.g., anger, fear, shame, sadness, guilt, disgust)?
Where did I feel it in my body? Describe any physical sensations (tight chest, clenched jaw, tears, etc.).
How intense was the emotion on a scale of 1-10?
✅ Exploring the Meaning
Why do I think this situation triggered me?
Does this remind me of any past experiences, relationships, or memories?
What beliefs about myself, others, or the world feel threatened in this moment?
✅ Examining My Thoughts
What thoughts were running through my mind when I felt triggered?
Were my thoughts factual or assumptions?
If my best friend were in this situation, what would I tell them?
✅ Reflecting on My Response
How did I react in the moment? What did I say or do?
Did my reaction help me feel better or worse afterward?
Is there another way I wish I had responded?
✅ Self-Compassion and Healing
What do I need right now to soothe or comfort myself?
How can I remind myself that I am safe in this moment?
What strengths have helped me cope with triggers in the past?
✅ Looking Ahead
Is there a boundary I need to set or communicate to feel safer next time?
How can I take care of myself after feeling triggered?
What would I like to remember if this happens again?