Learning to Love Without Losing Yourself: Moving Away From Codependency
Q: What exactly is codependency?
A:
Codependency is a pattern of behavior that shows up in many parts of a person’s life — in relationships, decision-making, emotional regulation, and even self-worth. It’s when someone’s sense of identity and stability depends too heavily on another person.
The word maladaptive often comes up here. It basically means the ways we’ve learned to “adapt” and survive might have helped us once — like in childhood or during stressful times — but they don’t serve us well in healthy adult relationships.
Codependency often passes from one generation to the next. As kids, we soak up everything from our caregivers: their habits, their emotional responses, their coping mechanisms. Over time, we naturally recreate those same patterns because they feel familiar — and our brains confuse “familiar” with “safe,” even when it’s not healthy.
Some common traits of codependency include:
Low self-esteem
Disconnection from your own feelings or needs
Denial and avoidance
Difficulty communicating or making decisions
Weak or inconsistent boundaries
All-or-nothing thinking
Self-doubt and guilt
Anxiety, depression, or perfectionism
Taking care of others at your own expense
Trying to rescue or fix others
Feeling responsible for how other people feel or behave
Fear of being abandoned — and doing anything to avoid it
Relying on others for validation, purpose, or emotional safety
Codependency was first studied in families dealing with addiction, where one person’s enabling behaviors supported another’s substance use. These days, it’s also seen as a kind of addiction to relationships — where someone uses love, caretaking, or control the way others might use a drug: to numb pain or avoid loneliness.
The catch is, this “fix” never lasts. Real healing can’t come from someone else — it has to come from within. Other people can support our growth, but they can’t complete us, change for us, or make us feel whole. That work is ours alone.
Q: How does codependency start?
A:
Codependency often starts in childhood, especially in families that are dysfunctional — whether that means there was neglect, emotional abuse, substance use, or untreated mental illness in the home.
Children in these environments learn to survive by tuning out their own needs and focusing on others. They might become the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the “responsible one.” But underneath that role, there’s often loneliness, confusion, and a deep sense of “not enough.”
As adults, these same people often repeat the pattern. They become the rescuer, the helper, or the fixer in their relationships — constantly giving to others while quietly losing themselves in the process.
Q: What keeps the cycle going?
A:
There are a few core elements that tend to keep codependency alive:
1. Insecure Attachment
If you didn’t feel seen, heard, or loved unconditionally as a child, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. That means your sense of safety depends on keeping others happy — even at your own expense. It sounds like: “I’m okay as long as you’re okay.”
2. Fear of Abandonment
When you’ve been left emotionally (or physically) before, you might go to extremes to avoid being left again. You may even choose partners who need you — people who are struggling, emotionally unavailable, or dependent — because being needed feels like security. But it’s a false sense of safety, and it often repeats the pain of the past.
3. Low Self-Esteem
If you didn’t get the message growing up that you were worthy just as you are, you may end up chasing that validation in adulthood. You might find yourself seeking approval from others who reinforce the same wounds you started with. Deep down, there’s a tug-of-war between wanting healthy love and being drawn to what feels familiar — even if it hurts.
4. Over-Functioning
Dr. Holly Daniels, a clinical psychologist, describes codependents as “givers” who often end up with “takers.” The codependent’s love language becomes caretaking — doing more and more to prove their worth, often while receiving little in return. Over time, this leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of self.
Q: How do I know if I’m codependent?
A:
Author Ann Smith offers some questions that can help you reflect:
Do you believe that being deeply loved will make you happy forever?
Do you find yourself idealizing love stories from movies or songs?
Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship because you couldn’t stand being alone?
Do you try to fix or change your partner to make the relationship work?
When you’re single, do you feel restless or incomplete?
Do you look to your partner to make you feel lovable or valuable?
If several of these sound familiar, you might be caught in codependent patterns — and that’s okay. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Q: How do you break the cycle?
A:
The first step is simply awareness. You can’t change what you can’t see.
From there, it’s about getting curious — noticing your patterns, beliefs, and emotional triggers. Ask yourself: Where did I learn this? What am I afraid will happen if I stop doing it?
Healing often means going back to the source — the early experiences that taught you to put others first — and learning new, healthier ways to relate. This can be tough to do alone, which is why therapy is so valuable. A good therapist can offer insight, compassion, and tools to help you rebuild your sense of self.
Over time, you’ll start shifting from people-pleasing to self-respect, from rescuing others to taking care of yourself, and from seeking love outside yourself to nurturing it within.
References
Breit, C. (2018, August 2). Are You in a Codependent Relationship? Here Are the Signs. Time.
Mental Health America. (2020). Co-Dependency.
Dodgson, L. (2018, February 13). Experts say codependent relationships are damaging—here are 8 warning signs you’re in one. Business Insider.
McGinnis, P. B. (2009). Codependency. dr-mcginnis.com
Smith, A. (2010, December 1). How to Break the Pattern of Love Addiction. Psychology Today.